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Sober Reflection

So having woken up in a much better state than I was in when I went to bed, I have some much more constructive thoughts on last night's rant. Principally:

I need to learn to be alone.

If you look back a few months ago, I wrote:

Anyway, this whole pattern has me just a little worried that I'm sort of hiding from something - that there's something wrong with my mind that makes me feel like I need to fill every minute with company and/or alcohol.

I think being unwillingly alone has (rather emphatically!) proved that.

As I sit here, there are a ton of things I want to do, if only I had someone to do them with.

It's pretty clear, now, what I need to do - which is to build an actual life.

Previously, I measured my life (in that sense) mostly in how "together" it was. Did I work out every day? Was I putting away the boxes and other signs of impermanence? Did I get to work on time?

But these things are not a life.

There's so much community out there I can connect with.

There's so much more I could be doing. I could be learning. I could be taking classes. I could be building steam engines with the KSW folks. I could be actually mastering my craft - or angling towards an MBA. I could learn to dance, or cook. (The former being much more likely). I could actually have a blog.

And that's what I need to be doing. It might take a few tries, like it did at UVA. I might meet a few groups, like I did at noisebridge, who were nice but...

And who cares, really, if there are girls there?

What I need more than another floozy is good friends. Guys who I can get some beers with and play video games with. Board game buddies, fellow coders.

I need stuff to do, outside of work, that anchors my persona.

I finally have the things I need to make that happen. I have, of course, a job, money, and some free time. But more importantly, I have the confidence that I can make things happen, even it takes weeks, or months. I have banished most of the demons of sleep and so on.

It's true that if "I have a sort of nice apartment. I have some money, but not that much. I have some friends, but not that many. I can get the occasional drunken mess of a date. I have a decent job."

I'm not going to be happy. If I woke up tomorrow in a penthouse apartment, making twice what I make, with an attractive woman - I'd be happy, maybe, for a week or two.

But I wouldn't have a community. It'll take some searching, but I will find it. It might be a bowling league, a ski group, climbing partners. It might be the builders. It might even be a group that helps trans people.

I have real, actual interests that I want to pursue, and it's time to stop waiting for life to drag me into them. Time to stop hoping one of my current friends or acquaintances wants to go to them. Time to stop hoping that I'll meet the girl through OkCupid that will take me there.