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Feeling Dramatic

For a long time, I've written under the friends-only label almost exclusively.

There were a lot of reasons for this, but mostly women and jobs. Way, WAY back when, there was a war between my mother and I that played out on these pages, where she was tipped off by somebody who read a post here. Way, WAY back when, SAIC hauled me into an office for various Slashdot postings and an LJ post that had a timestamp during work hours.

The last year has seen a tremendous shift towards publicity - glasnost, if you will. (I just love the term, even if there's no need to invoke Russian).

I wish that this, moving to San Francisco, was the crown jewel in a year of self improvement and so on. But I look back at the last year, and everything hung in the balance again and again. Life perched upon fleeting moments - it would be so very unfair to say that it was all my deep conviction and my personal strength.

But it would be unfair to discount them, either. The month or two before all this, I really was giving it my all. I worked on my little GitHub thing morning and night. I interviewed when I wasn't.

But to go back farther, that week I broke up with Chau. And the million small victories fought with my demons with regards to her since then. Of course, Ali was so huge in that. So many other people and so many little wars were fought since then.

But why I started this post - it's because in a way... I'm getting more in touch with the very old me again.

There's all these feelings swirling around, and they feel like... school, in a way. I feel like, like I'm transferring from a Madison or a Langley to a TJ. Where the people are like me, but everyone is smart. I'm not going to be the "Smart but lazy" one any more.

But it's so much more that contributes to these feelings. It's all these old things, things I've been reminded of. Visiting the DNA Lounge reminded me of when I read jwz's posts about, well, starting the damn thing. jwz who also introduced me to depeche mode. I kid you not, being at DNA Lounge - the real place, in the real San Francisco - was kind of messing with me. I sort of revered JWZ in those days.

Talking about headphones with my future host - remember how I used to care so much about Sennheisers? Talking about driving to Front Royal? It's all these pieces, these things flooding back. And I haven't even got to packing stuff up from then!

I remember who I was - not just before Chau, but before SAIC. Before UVA. At TJ. When I was just a geek trying to get his Slackware computer to run Love Hina DivXs just a little bit faster. When I was in my room reading k5 and everything2 and thinking I shouldn't be reading these things. Running Kevin's assembly tutorials, listening to .MODs he'd sent.

I feel bad it took me so long to get on this path. I feel like I'm behind. But it really is all different now; I have a confidence I never had then. Not in my abilities or my brains, but in who I am. I'll never be as socially awkward and self-conscious as I was.

But all this has stood on a knife edge for so long. The flame was so nearly snuffed. Chau both rescued me and ruined me in different ways. Of course, that's just how it happened, and now... now? I should only look forward. And I have been, but... it's so different.

And really, it's not the job per se - I haven't even started it yet. I can't say how exactly my day to day will be, other than different. But I can say the people will be way different. The environment will be way different. It's real, it's different. I got the real change that has eldued me for so very, very long.

Ahh... enough rambling for tonight. Tomorrow, the great "stuff triage" begins. Don't worry, fair readers - however few there might be. You will get your shot at my stuff.

Here. Start with the furniture. Wait, is anyone vaguely near northern virginia even reading this...? I think not, but there's the link, anyway.


( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 4th, 2013 11:04 pm (UTC)
Hmm, guess it couldn't hurt to have another shredder and filing cabinet. When are you available for collection? =>
May. 6th, 2013 04:25 pm (UTC)
I think you saw my post regarding availability. If you want to do saturday evening, do you want to come over here to collect stuff? (I'd drive it to your place, but that filing cabinet is probably incompatible with my car).

While I do own board games enough to entertain us (PR at least), my place has never had a table or much of any furniture, so it'd need to be your place or Tails' (Tails lives close by, though!)
May. 5th, 2013 03:30 pm (UTC)
yay for self-confidence and change! i'm sad i'll miss you in nova - but will definitely plan a visit out to san francisco once i am on the west coast too.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )